A new day, another opportunity to be realize you should avoid the outdoors...

A list of things that are most decidedly Not Cool

• Finding out that tomorrow morning you are supposed to go outside (before it gets hot) and water the plants in the backyard
• having to get out of bed and finding that you don't feel like changing so you just throw on a sweatshirt and some old shoes
• arriving outside and finding the water facet covered in bugs and other slimy contraptions
  
• having to recite the "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey" rhyme to figure out which way to turn the spigot.
  
• getting slightly sprayed with water that seemed to miss the turn that went into the hose
• telling yourself that that will be the only water you get on yourself
• finding out that maybe you turned it a little too much to the left because of all the water squirting out and pummeling half the dirt out of the potted plants
• wondering if maybe your parents will notice the chaos of dirt and water splattered across the patio
• being too lazy to go back to the spigot and turn the water pressure down and blasting all the plants into oblivion and wondering if maybe no one will ask why the plants are plastered to the ground with water droplets cascading all around.
• thinking you are done, but then realizing you were also asked to water those three bushes back in the far corner of the yard
• walking to those three bushes and seeing that you don't have nearly enough hose to reach them
• trying to do that cool trick where you cover the end of the hose and the water spurts out in a spraying fashion, only realizing that you were never taught that and manage to water everything BUT those three plants
• finally figuring out how to make the hose work after 25 thousand gallons of water and 15 minutes of utter frustration.
• you remember specific instructions to get that maple tree watered in the front yard and were told to connect the green hose to the yellow hose...but for the life of you, you cannot find that mysterious yellow hose and have already wandered around the house 3 times.
• giving up and just using another green hose to water that tree...
• ...and finding out that this hose is too short as well
• but you figure that since you've mastered that spraying trick already you can just do that for the remaining three feet
• you walk all the way back to turn on the water
• and walk all the way back to that lonesome tree in the far corner of the yard
• and realize that maybe you need to work on your water pressuring skills
• for you seem to have turned it a little too hard as well
• and the hose is having spasms in the front yard
• twirling in the grass like there is no tomorrow
• but you figure that since it has one of those handy dandy nozel sprays
• you should be just fine
• so you pick it up to spray the tree
• and realize that maybe the water pressure is a little too high
• and water is leaking from the end...
• you press down on the handle, expecting to get a nice shoot of spray, but somehow, someone has set it for a different setting.
• you release the nozel and hold it close to your face in an effort to see which way you should turn the handle to get it on the spray mode
• only too late to realize that you must have done something wrong
• for now the whole nozzle head is coming off and the water is beginning to squirt all over the place
• you fumble with the handle trying with all your might to get the hose twisted back into the nozzle but all you end up doing is getting yourself covered in water
• the hose shudders one last time and then the nozzle comes off in your left hand while the right hand holds a drooping-but-totally-gushing-water-hose.
• you are imagining all your neighbors peering out their windows, watching this random little teenager make a total fool out of herself using only a few items and you are starting to think evil thoughts concerning your neighbors
• you tell yourself that it is far too early for any of your neighbors to be up and there is no way that they could watch a poor helpless teenager get ambushed by an evil hose and not run to save her...no, they must still be inside asleep
• you have convinced yourself of that fact until you see that half your neighbors garage doors are open
• then you are thinking maybe now would be a good time to run back inside
• you think that maybe it is a good idea to twist the hose into a knot to prevent it from spraying out in every direction, you've seen other people do it, surely it would work for you?
• you walk about 5 steps before the pressure becomes too much and the hose erupts and sprays water all over you AGAIN
• then you are left standing there, in the middle of the yard with a nozzle and a hose and you are thinking that maybe if the neighbors were watching they would be laughing their heads off....and you are also thinking that if it had been the other way around you would most definitely be laughing your head off...
• you imagine seeing yourself outside being attacked by a hose and must admit that it is kind of comical.
• you start to chuckle a bit
• you start laughing at the humor of it all, getting attacked by a crazy evil hose.
• then you are wondering if maybe the neighbors have stopped laughing and are now watching you wondering if you are having a mental breakdown, seeing how you are standing in the middle of the yard clutching a water hose that is gushing out water and laughing.
• you have a brilliant idea and decide you will bend the hose in half and quickly screw the nozzle head back on while the water is trapped
• with your left hand twisting the hose and your right hand clutching the nozzle you think that maybe your plan will work
• until the hose wiggles out of your grasp and sprays you a face full of water AGAIN
• now you've left the hose on the ground
• your hair is wet
• your dripping water
• your glasses are almost too wet to see out of
• and your sweater is now blotched with wet spots
• any trace of humor is gone
• you have decided that you no longer feel like being the laughing stock of your neighbor hood, you are going to show this hose who is boss and you are going to do it now.
• you briskly walk back to the spigot, holding the hose in your right hand, not caring if it continues to spray water all over the driveway
• with one fluid motion you turn off the water
• and there is silence
• you have won
• that pesky little hose cannot get the better of you now.
• mustering all the dignity you have, you walk back to the house
• one pajama pant leg is only speckled with water and flaps in the breeze while the other is soaked through and is formed to your leg like a new layer of skin
• you vow to never ever water the plants again